--- MST 3000 Songs! ---

"If Chauffeurs Ruled the World"
from Ring of Terror

Lyrics: Frank Conniff
Music: Michael J. Nelson
Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Man, that was such an ordeal. What a cruel trick, making us watch a whole other movie again.

CROW: Yeah, with each episode that Phantom Creeps gets more and more RIDICULOUS!

TOM: Yeah, I know. Who did that chauffeur think he was, thinking he could rule the world?

CROW: Yeah!

[In Deep 13:]

FRANK: Hey, it wasn't my fault that we showed that Phantom Creep at the end. Dr. Forrester calls all the shots around here. If you ask me, that chauffeur had the right idea. As a matter of fact, I prepared a little number:

[Spotlight on Frank who gets out of cardboard limo and dons chauffeur hat and white gloves. Dr. Forrester "sits" in back of limo reading paper.]

FRANK: If chauffeurs ruled the world--
It's what I'd like to see
'Cause everyone in the world
Would take a back seat to me.
I wouldn't have to drive--
I wouldn't have to steer--
'Cause all would bow down before me
In total abject fear.
All the gorgeous dames
Would worship at my feet!
Why--I could have any one of them I want!
Even Meryl Steep!
I'd have complete respect
Of everyone on the planet
Including intellectuals,
Even David Mamet.

[Frank dusts off cardboard car and Dr. Forrester who gets angry at this.]

FRANK: Tell me, why do I have to take
Orders from this guy?
I'd like to drop him a bucket of boiling grease
And watch him slowly die.

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank.

FRANK: If chauffeurs ruled the world--

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank! FRANK! [Picks up cardboard limo and dumps it over Frank's head.]

FRANK: --Is what I'd like to see--

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough!

FRANK: --'Cause everyone in the world
Would take a back seat to me--Mommy!

[Dr. Forrester dumps newspaper on top of Frank.]

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank.

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: We think your song is--


[In Deep 13:]

FRANK: [choked with tears]

If chauffeurs ruled the world,
It's what I'd like to see,
But I guess some other palooka will rule the world
[snorts with tears]
No, not me.

DR. FORRESTER: Push the button, Judy Garland. [Frank sobs with tears.] Push the button, Frank.

FRANK: Do you think the ACE Awards people are watching this?

DR. FORRESTER: Oh, for crying out loud! [pushes button]

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