"If Chauffeurs Ruled the World"
from Ring of Terror
Lyrics: Frank Conniff
Music: Michael J. Nelson
Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins
[On the satellite:]
JOEL: Man, that was such an ordeal. What a cruel trick, making
us watch a whole other movie again.
CROW: Yeah, with each episode that Phantom Creeps gets more and
more RIDICULOUS!
TOM: Yeah, I know. Who did that chauffeur think he was, thinking
he could rule the world?
CROW: Yeah!
[In Deep 13:]
FRANK: Hey, it wasn't my fault that we showed that Phantom Creep
at the end. Dr. Forrester calls all the shots around here. If you
ask me, that chauffeur had the right idea. As a matter of fact, I
prepared a little number:
[Spotlight on Frank who gets out of cardboard limo and dons
chauffeur hat and white gloves. Dr. Forrester "sits" in back of
limo reading paper.]
FRANK: If chauffeurs ruled the world--
It's what I'd like to see
'Cause everyone in the world
Would take a back seat to me.
I wouldn't have to drive--
I wouldn't have to steer--
'Cause all would bow down before me
In total abject fear.
All the gorgeous dames
Would worship at my feet!
Why--I could have any one of them I want!
Even Meryl Steep!
I'd have complete respect
Of everyone on the planet
Including intellectuals,
Even David Mamet.
[Frank dusts off cardboard car and Dr. Forrester who gets angry
at this.]
FRANK: Tell me, why do I have to take
Orders from this guy?
I'd like to drop him a bucket of boiling grease
And watch him slowly die.
DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank.
FRANK: If chauffeurs ruled the world--
DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank! FRANK! [Picks up
cardboard limo and dumps it over Frank's head.]
FRANK: --Is what I'd like to see--
DR. FORRESTER: That's enough!
FRANK: --'Cause everyone in the world
Would take a back seat to me--Mommy!
[Dr. Forrester dumps newspaper on top of Frank.]
DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank.
[On the satellite:]
JOEL: We think your song is--
ALL: --FAB-U-LOUS!
[In Deep 13:]
FRANK: [choked with tears]
If chauffeurs ruled the world,
It's what I'd like to see,
But I guess some other palooka will rule the world
[snorts with tears]
No, not me.
DR. FORRESTER: Push the button, Judy Garland. [Frank sobs with
tears.] Push the button, Frank.
FRANK: Do you think the ACE Awards people are watching this?
DR. FORRESTER: Oh, for crying out loud! [pushes button]
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