"Tribute To Pants" from Hercules Against the Moon Men
Lyrics: Frank Conniff Music: Michael J. Nelson Transcribed by Matthew Olson
[On the SOL:]

CROW: Joel, I hate movies where the men wear shorter skirts than the women.

TOM: Boy, don'tcha know it. I can just imagine a common scene from the days of ancient Greece: "Oh, hi Hercules, have a seat. Noooo ah-oh!"

JOEL: You are so right, little [?] buddy. Hey Cambot, cue up the music. That's why we've put together a little musical presentation honoring one of our favorite garments. It's a little thing we like to call "Pants!"

TOM: [singing] Pants!

CROW: Pants!

TOM & CROW: Sing the praises of pants!

JOEL: Nothing better shows my taste
Than what I wear below my waist.

TOM: Say pants! Hoo hoo!
Pants!

TOM & CROW: Sing the praises of pants!

TOM: They help me suck in my gut,
They always cover up my butt.
Pants!

CROW: Pants!

ALL: Sing the praises of pants!

CROW: Wear them and you're a cool guy
As long as you zip up your fly.

TOM: Zip!

TOM & CROW: Pants!
Pants!

ALL: Sing the praises of pants!

JOEL: [speaking] That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Consider the pant. You know, the Pant Association urges you to wear your pants at least three times a day.

CROW: The great men of our time have all worn pants. Roosevelt, Churchill, de Gaulle, Ghandi -- well, almost all of them.

TOM: Dolphins. One of the smartest mammals on Earth. Do they wear pants? No, but they wish they did. That's how smart they are!

JOEL: What keeps our legs all warm and hot?

TOM & CROW: Pants!

CROW: What prevents a buffalo shot?
Pants!

TOM: What do they got that I ain't got?

JOEL: Pants.

CROW: Cut.

TOM: Oh, you can say that again. Huh?

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