"Whom Shall I Kill?" from Samson vs. the Vampire Women
Lyrics: Bridget Jones Music: Michael J. Nelson Transcribed by Matthew Olson and Alana Olson
[On the Satellite: Mike, Tom, and Crow standing around. Light flashes.]

MIKE: Uh, oh. Uh, that's got to be Forrester.

[Deep 13: Forrester is obviously distraught]

DR. FORRESTER: Oh, Mike. I can't find Frank anywhere. He never stays out this late, what with his fear of halogen. I've checked everywhere: The DQ, the sewage treatment plant, all his usual hangouts. Nothing! I'm just terribly afraid that he's gone and he's never coming back. And if I cared one iota, it would be devastating. If I cared....

MIKE: Oh, boy, the boss is always the last to know, huh? Well, you see Sir, our time here on Earth is but a passing thing--

CROW: He was assumed by the angel Torgo in a glorious coronation!

TOM: Well, it was kind of a cosmic Torgo. You see, his mission as a second banana was ah, uh, and you were kind of mean, so they, uh....

MIKE: Well, there was a fortune which foretold something about something, and then, well, Gabby Hayes is heavily involved.

CROW: Anyway, he's not comin' back.

MIKE: Sorry!

DR. FORRESTER: Wait, I can't imagine. I shan't! Because it isn't true! But it is. Oh, this sucks! [piano music starts] Who will be my guinea pig for my gene splicing? My fingernail transplants? My fajita? Who will I blame my mistakes on? Who will I -- who will I kill?

I've destroyed and I've maimed and I've kicked him.
Now I'm a bully with no victim.
No adrenaline thrill,
No screams that are shrill,
Who, who will I kill?

I've crushed his head a few times,
Memories like nursery rhymes.
No one dies like my TV's Frank.
No sweet blood to distill,
No cute tummy to drill,
Who, who will I kill?

When I look upon
The first evening star,
I remember when I hooked his liver
To the engine of my car.

I could pickle my Aunt Lil,
Give my dog a cyanide pill,
But what Frank-shaped void
Could they possibly fill?

Here's my money, you can bank it,
I'm no good without my Frank. It
Seems he could die
Without batting an eye.

Now it seems
I must take
My own bitter pill.
Tell me who, who will I kill?

[spoken, as music ends] Goodbye Frank! And remember, wherever you are, I WILL KILL YOU!

[Back on the Satellite:]

TOM: Huh...

MIKE: In a sick way, I feel touched.

CROW & TOM: [mumbled] Yeah...

MIKE: We'll be right back.

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